Social Media Usage

Social media has become one of the most convenient ways to connect with one another. Information is able to travel at lightning speed, giving us the ability to gather information and receive updates faster than ever before. From seeing a friend's newborn baby to learning a new recipe from a food blogger, you can pretty much see it all. Social media has an amazing ability to connect us with important people and helps us stay up-to-date with others even if they live far away. However, it also comes with some downsides. You’re probably no stranger to trying to navigate the tipping point at which spending time on social media feels “life giving” versus a habit where you start losing track of time and feel glued to your screen. 

When you wake up in the morning, do you check your social media right away? Do you take your phone into the bathroom and find yourself scrolling for periods of time? Are you ever guilty of obsessing over what to post or whether or not your post has reached a certain amount of activity? These behaviors might be linked to too much social media use, and can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and unhappiness in daily life (Forbes, 2018). 

Even if it’s not our intention while using social media, we often get stuck in a rut of social comparison. When we log onto social media, we are instantly connected with people's accomplishments and highlight reels, and when we compare, we are putting our happiness in a variable that is beyond our control (Healthista, 2018). Another reason you may be feeling dissatisfied is due to the lack of in-person connection. Behind a screen, you're missing out on that real, pure connection. The lack of seeing a person’s body language or hearing their tone of voice may take away the potential for a deeper connection, and can also lead to being misinterpreted or misunderstood. 

Ways to bring intentionality to social media usage:

1. Remove certain apps. If you find that some apps are taking up a lot of your time, it might be wise to separate yourself and consider if it’s really benefiting you.

2. Set a time limit. Many phones now give you the ability to set time limits on apps. Slowly starting to decrease your time might help you realize it wasn't bringing much benefit in the first place. Also, it’s important to create a buffer between phone usage and bedtime, as the blue light emitted from your phone can disrupt your body’s circadian rhythm and melatonin production, making it difficult to get quality, restful sleep. 

3. Put your phone out of reach. When you need to get something done such as homework or housework, try putting your phone in a drawer or face down where you know you won't be tempted to reach for it. 

4. Turn off notifications. Turn off the notifications in your phone’s settings for your social media apps so they aren't continuously popping up throughout the day and distracting you from being present to the task at hand.

5. Find a hobby you love. Putting your time and energy towards something new and exciting that you look forward to will assist in decreasing your social media use on its own! Instead of simply watching other people’s fun adventures and moments on social media, get active and make lasting memories of your own by living fully and participating in things that make you happy. 

6. Social Media Fast. You can always choose to go ahead and delete your social media apps for a few days and see how your daily life changes. It may be hard at first, but challenging yourself is important. You might be surprised by the joy it brings to “detox” from social media for a while :)

7. Spend time with your loved ones. Make more plans with the ones you love or simply focus on being present during the moments you have with people you care about. When you are tempted to go on social media to connect with others, consider making a phone call or video chat as a way to foster a more authentic connection.

References

“How much social media is too much?” Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/tomward/2018/06/08/how-much-social-media-is-too-much/#147eb2cd60e6

“Seven symptoms of too much social media use.” Retrieved from  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/artificial-maturity/201806/seven-symptoms-too-much-social-media-use

“Six reasons social media is making you unhappy.” Retrieved from https://www.healthista.com/reasons-social-media-making-you-unhappy/

Validation

One of the most basic human experiences is the ability to feel and express emotions. Emotions communicate vital information to ourselves, the people around us, and they motivate us to act. When we are in-tune with our emotions and feel confident in being able to express them without judgment from others, we tend to develop a healthier relationship with our emotional side. We are able to communicate our feelings and receive support/comfort/acknowledgment from others. Unfortunately, some of us have received the message that our emotions are wrong, bad, too big, or crazy. In many families, the idea of “not showing emotion” is stressed, which can lead to confusion about whether or not emotions are OK. The downside of limiting emotional expression in ourselves and/or our children is that it becomes difficult to learn that emotions and emotional expressions are normal.  

When we receive the message that something is wrong with an emotion we are experiencing (whether from other people or our own internal thoughts), this is called invalidation. Invalidation from others makes us feel wrong for our emotions and related actions. Over time, receiving frequent invalidation can lead us to believe there is something wrong with the way we feel and move through the world, and we start to self-invalidate with thoughts like “I’m bad,” “I shouldn’t feel this way,” or “I’m too emotional and crazy.” In many cases, people invalidate us without intending to cause us harm. Many people don’t know how to validate, don’t know how to respond to someone’s emotions, or are trying to help when they jump right into problem solving. Validation is essentially the acknowledgment and acceptance of one’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable. Through this skill, we can improve our conversations. By validating others, we create deeper connections and show them we understand. By validating ourselves, we develop a greater understanding of our emotional experience.

There are six levels or types of validation, as developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D.

Level 1: Being awake and present. 

This can include holding someone’s hand while they share about a painful experience, focusing in on the conversation at hand, keeping eye contact, and nodding your head to communicate you’re listening. 

Level 2: Accurate reflection.

Instead of parroting back everything the person just said, try to rephrase and summarize what they shared. This shows that you are listening and comprehending what they’re saying. An example of this level is: “So it sounds like you’re really upset because the meeting didn’t go very well.”

Level 3: Mindreading. 

The goal here is to guess what the person is feeling. Oftentimes, people outwardly express anger and frustration, but deep down they are feeling hurt. You can validate this emotion by saying, “It almost sounds like there’s some hurt there, too. Is that true?”

Level 4: Understanding behavior based on a person's history and biology.

Consider what the person has been through in the past, as it may contribute to how they are feeling now. For example, if someone successfully battled cancer and has an upcoming doctor’s visit, it makes sense they are likely quite anxious and fearful. 

Level 5: Normalizing an emotional response anyone would have.

Sometimes what we need to hear most is that our reaction to a situation is normal. This level is about saying, “Anyone in your position would do/say/feel the same way,” or, “Of course you’re disappointed.”

Level 6: Radical genuineness. 

If you’ve experienced something similar to the person, share that with them. This shows you understand on a deeper level. 

Aim to use a few of these levels of validation throughout your upcoming conversations. It might seem daunting to do levels 1-6 right away, so be patient with yourself and acknowledge that learning any new skill takes practice. The more you validate others, the more natural it will start to feel. As you practice, don’t forget that validating yourself is just as vital as offering validation to others. The simplest way to practice self-validation is to let yourself feel your emotions. Try not to stuff them down, even if they are painful or inconvenient. Give yourself a few minutes to reflect on what you’re feeling and name the emotion. Think about reasons why this emotion makes sense for you. Be gentle and kind to yourself and say, “It’s OK for me to feel this emotion.”

References

Hall, K. (2012). “Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance.” Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance

Wiest, B. (2019). “The Life-Changing Magic of Validating Your Own Feelings.” Retrieved from https://humanparts.medium.com/the-life-changing-magic-of-validating-your-own-feelings-3e167b59d194

The Art of Listening

Take a moment to answer this question: during conversations, do you enjoy being the speaker or the listener? For some of us, sharing stories and leading conversation feels natural and easy. For others, listening and observing is more comfortable. There’s also a chance you equally enjoy both roles and find yourself toggling between the two. Regardless of your preference, being a good listener will help strengthen and improve your relationships, conversations, and connections with others. 

If you realize you’re not the best listener, there’s hope! Listening is a skill that can be practiced and strengthened over time. The first step to improving your listening skills is to approach conversations with your full presence. Multi-tasking is typically not effective, so if a conversation needs your attention, try to set aside your to-do list, worries, or other tasks you’re doing. Quality listening requires you to tune into the person in front of you. 

Consider your typical mode during conversations. Do you listen to respond or listen to understand? If you’re listening to respond, you likely start to formulate your next statement in your head instead of truly hearing the words being spoken by the other person. While listening to respond, you may actually miss much of the content being shared. The goal, then, is to work on listening to understand. In this type of listening, let curiosity, empathy, and compassion lead the way. Listening to understand allows us to really hear the story being told, and shows the other person we care. This listening mode strengthens interpersonal relationships. 

There are a few things you can do while you practice deep listening. First, make sure you’re comfortable and offer the other person good eye contact. Next, show you’re engaged by validating the other person. This could include nodding along as they speak, summarizing their words to show you understand, or verbalizing the validity in their experience by saying, “That must be so disappointing,” “I can tell you’re excited about this!” “It makes sense you’re feeling upset,” or “Anybody juggling that many things would probably be in a similar spot.” By validating the other person, you show that their thoughts, feelings, and actions make sense. Finally, avoid making judgments of what the person has shared, or giving unsolicited advice. In many cases, what people need most is to be fully heard, not told what to do.   

As you continue through your day and week, bring some mindfulness and intentionality to your conversations. Try to catch yourself if you fall into habits like listening to respond, dominating the conversation, or jumping straight to problem solving when another person describes a challenge they face. With practice, it will become more natural to offer deep listening, the kind of listening that strengthens relationships and increases connection.

References

Raab, D. (2017). “Deep Listening in Personal Relationships.” Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201708/deep-listening-in-personal-relationships.