We are all experiencing, collectively, a time of great change. We are dealing with the realities of living during a global pandemic, realizing we must find ways to cope with and accept a “new normal.” Our communities are simultaneously speaking out against injustice, bringing to life a movement demanding change. Both COVID-19 and community protests have impacts on us and bring up a range of emotions. It’s extremely valuable to dig into these emotions and experiences right now. Ignoring or avoiding your feelings might help you avoid discomfort in the short term, but will keep you from healing, processing, and growing during this challenging time.

Suggestions for leaning into discomfort:

Before we can do anything with an emotion, we must acknowledge it. Really take some time and space to figure out what you’re feeling. Where is it showing up in your body? Maybe your stomach is churning or you notice tension in your shoulders or jaw. Try to describe the discomfort in detail, and give a name to the emotions you’re experiencing.
Start to observe your thinking. Ask yourself questions and truly listen for your honest answers. “Why am I feeling uncomfortable?” “Am I afraid of something, and what is it?” “How am I impacted by seeing racial disparities, looting, violence, and peaceful protests?” “Am I seeing the situation in a polarized way--one side good and the other side bad?” “Do I feel defensive when others question my perspective or position of privilege?” “What action am I called to do, and is anything holding me back?”
Seek out resources to educate yourself on ways to support others. Often we are uncomfortable with things we don’t understand. We can learn about ourselves and others through reading, watching videos, asking questions, and listening to the lived experiences of people around us. Sometimes, the task is to admit that we don’t fully understand, yet we will do our best to still support others.
Tune into your values. Our values can serve as a road map for how we show up each day to our own lives and for each other. Reflect on what’s most important to you. Maybe you value family and want to focus on strengthening relationships. This could include talking with loved ones about the current challenges we face as a society. Maybe contributing to your community is important, and you want to explore ways to do this. If you value speaking up and using your voice, maybe you focus on having conversations about this moment in time with people who hold different views from yourself. When our values drive our actions, we have more momentum to push through discomfort because we have a clear end goal.
Remember to take care of yourself. When we step into uncomfortable places, we often push ourselves to grow. However, we don’t want to push ourselves to the point of burnout. Therefore, we must always strive for a balance of going out to our growth edge, sitting with the discomfort, and coming back to ourselves through self care. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves a break to rest and rejuvenate.

Take a moment to answer this question: during conversations, do you enjoy being the speaker or the listener? For some of us, sharing stories and leading conversation feels natural and easy. For others, listening and observing is more comfortable. There’s also a chance you equally enjoy both roles and find yourself toggling between the two. Regardless of your preference, being a good listener will help strengthen and improve your relationships, conversations, and connections with others.

If you realize you’re not the best listener, there’s hope! Listening is a skill that can be practiced and strengthened over time. The first step to improving your listening skills is to approach conversations with your full presence. Multi-tasking is typically not effective, so if a conversation needs your attention, try to set aside your to-do list, worries, or other tasks you’re doing. Quality listening requires you to tune into the person in front of you.

Consider your typical mode during conversations. Do you listen to respond or listen to understand? If you’re listening to respond, you likely start to formulate your next statement in your head instead of truly hearing the words being spoken by the other person. While listening to respond, you may actually miss much of the content being shared. The goal, then, is to work on listening to understand. In this type of listening, let curiosity, empathy, and compassion lead the way. Listening to understand allows us to really hear the story being told, and shows the other person we care. This listening mode strengthens interpersonal relationships.

There are a few things you can do while you practice deep listening. First, make sure you’re comfortable and offer the other person good eye contact. Next, show you’re engaged by validating the other person. This could include nodding along as they speak, summarizing their words to show you understand, or verbalizing the validity in their experience by saying, “That must be so disappointing,” “I can tell you’re excited about this!” “It makes sense you’re feeling upset,” or “Anybody juggling that many things would probably be in a similar spot.” By validating the other person, you show that their thoughts, feelings, and actions make sense. Finally, avoid making judgments of what the person has shared, or giving unsolicited advice. In many cases, what people need most is to be fully heard, not told what to do.

As you continue through your day and week, bring some mindfulness and intentionality to your conversations. Try to catch yourself if you fall into habits like listening to respond, dominating the conversation, or jumping straight to problem solving when another person describes a challenge they face. With practice, it will become more natural to offer deep listening, the kind of listening that strengthens relationships and increases connection.

References

Raab, D. (2017). “Deep Listening in Personal Relationships.” Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201708/deep-listening-in-personal-relationships.