One of the most basic human experiences is the ability to feel and express emotions. Emotions communicate vital information to ourselves, the people around us, and they motivate us to act. When we are in-tune with our emotions and feel confident in being able to express them without judgment from others, we tend to develop a healthier relationship with our emotional side. We are able to communicate our feelings and receive support/comfort/acknowledgment from others. Unfortunately, some of us have received the message that our emotions are wrong, bad, too big, or crazy. In many families, the idea of “not showing emotion” is stressed, which can lead to confusion about whether or not emotions are OK. The downside of limiting emotional expression in ourselves and/or our children is that it becomes difficult to learn that emotions and emotional expressions are normal.
When we receive the message that something is wrong with an emotion we are experiencing (whether from other people or our own internal thoughts), this is called invalidation. Invalidation from others makes us feel wrong for our emotions and related actions. Over time, receiving frequent invalidation can lead us to believe there is something wrong with the way we feel and move through the world, and we start to self-invalidate with thoughts like “I’m bad,” “I shouldn’t feel this way,” or “I’m too emotional and crazy.” In many cases, people invalidate us without intending to cause us harm. Many people don’t know how to validate, don’t know how to respond to someone’s emotions, or are trying to help when they jump right into problem solving. Validation is essentially the acknowledgment and acceptance of one’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable. Through this skill, we can improve our conversations. By validating others, we create deeper connections and show them we understand. By validating ourselves, we develop a greater understanding of our emotional experience.
There are six levels or types of validation, as developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D.
Level 1: Being awake and present.
This can include holding someone’s hand while they share about a painful experience, focusing in on the conversation at hand, keeping eye contact, and nodding your head to communicate you’re listening.
Level 2: Accurate reflection.
Instead of parroting back everything the person just said, try to rephrase and summarize what they shared. This shows that you are listening and comprehending what they’re saying. An example of this level is: “So it sounds like you’re really upset because the meeting didn’t go very well.”
Level 3: Mindreading.
The goal here is to guess what the person is feeling. Oftentimes, people outwardly express anger and frustration, but deep down they are feeling hurt. You can validate this emotion by saying, “It almost sounds like there’s some hurt there, too. Is that true?”
Level 4: Understanding behavior based on a person's history and biology.
Consider what the person has been through in the past, as it may contribute to how they are feeling now. For example, if someone successfully battled cancer and has an upcoming doctor’s visit, it makes sense they are likely quite anxious and fearful.
Level 5: Normalizing an emotional response anyone would have.
Sometimes what we need to hear most is that our reaction to a situation is normal. This level is about saying, “Anyone in your position would do/say/feel the same way,” or, “Of course you’re disappointed.”
Level 6: Radical genuineness.
If you’ve experienced something similar to the person, share that with them. This shows you understand on a deeper level.
Aim to use a few of these levels of validation throughout your upcoming conversations. It might seem daunting to do levels 1-6 right away, so be patient with yourself and acknowledge that learning any new skill takes practice. The more you validate others, the more natural it will start to feel. As you practice, don’t forget that validating yourself is just as vital as offering validation to others. The simplest way to practice self-validation is to let yourself feel your emotions. Try not to stuff them down, even if they are painful or inconvenient. Give yourself a few minutes to reflect on what you’re feeling and name the emotion. Think about reasons why this emotion makes sense for you. Be gentle and kind to yourself and say, “It’s OK for me to feel this emotion.”
References
Hall, K. (2012). “Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance.” Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance
Wiest, B. (2019). “The Life-Changing Magic of Validating Your Own Feelings.” Retrieved from https://humanparts.medium.com/the-life-changing-magic-of-validating-your-own-feelings-3e167b59d194