Tolerance

We are in the midst of a time where there are many uncertainties. Most of us are likely experiencing some form of anxiety as we try to make sense of a situation without clear answers. Uncertainty often compels us to engage in behaviors like seeking reassurance from others, making lists as a way to feel in control of each step in the day, or distracting ourselves from the uncertain reality by keeping our minds and bodies “busy” with other things.

If you find yourself doing any of these behaviors, acknowledge that they are serving a purpose and may not necessarily be causing you harm. By taking a step back, however, you might realize that these behaviors provide immediate relief during this stressful time, without actually teaching your brain how to sit with distressing situations.

If we can find a way to tolerate the emotions, thoughts, and reactions we are experiencing right now, we can get unstuck from the overwhelming feelings of anxiety and possibly even move toward a place of acceptance. 

Over the past week, we have seen a range of responses to the spread of COVID-19. Bars and restaurants have moved to take-out/pick-up options, libraries have closed, many mental health providers have transitioned their practices to online platforms, and many businesses have decided to remain open.

Each response has been unique, fueled by so many considerations--the health and safety of employees, the community’s well-being, what makes sense for the business or organization, what service is being provided to people and is it absolutely necessary, etc. In seeing how different facets of our community are responding, it can be challenging to understand why some places are closed and others remain open.

Further, you’ve likely seen a range of individuals’ responses to our current situation, as many people are following social distancing recommendations by staying at home, some are limiting their time with others to work and home, and others are continuing to engage in typical social activities like going to the beach and having parties with friends.

While we won’t necessarily be able to understand each persons’ motivation for staying home or socializing, or the reasoning behind each business’ decision to close or remain open, we can work toward a stance of tolerating the range of choices. In doing so, we can acknowledge that various opinions and behaviors exist, even if we don’t agree. 

If you’re finding yourself getting judgmental of what others are doing during this global pandemic, or are struggling with your own internal battle of tolerating uncertainty, here are some suggestions for moving toward a more grounded, accepting place:

• Stop the “shoulds”. We must work on letting go of thinking the world should be a certain way. When we get stuck in one way of seeing things, we set ourselves up for disappointment. The task here is to open ourselves up to other possible ways of seeing the situation. 

• Acknowledge and tackle anxious thoughts. If you’re feeling anxious right now, know that your experience is very normal and most of us are probably feeling similarly. If you can observe what you’re experiencing in your body and what your thoughts are doing, you can work on challenging worry thoughts. Instead of getting stuck in “I can’t tolerate not knowing if my family and friends are going to be safe,” try to say instead, “Not knowing if my family and friends are going to be safe feels really uncomfortable, and I can tolerate the uncertainty.”

• Be open to simply observing the uncertainty. One of the best things we can all do right now is practice mindfulness of the present moment. Without trying to change or control your situation, be open and curious about what uncertainty feels like. By tuning into the present moment and getting grounded, our minds are less likely to drift into anxious worries. 

References 

“How to Tolerate Uncertainty.” Retrieved from https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/infosheet/how-to-tolerate-uncertainty

“Tips on Tolerating Uncertainty.” Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-tolerating-uncertainty/

Ways to Self-Soothe

Life can be so beautiful and rewarding, and at the same time stressful and full of pain. Whether you face mental health struggles like anxiety or depression, have experienced trauma, or want to find new ways to calm yourself down during stressful situations, self-soothing could greatly benefit you. Self-soothing is a deeply personal art that requires practice and willingness. It is deeply personal in that what works for one person to self-soothe might not work for you. It is an art in the sense that you may need to get creative with ways you practice self-soothing, trying to give yourself what you most need to regain calm in various situations. Like any new skill, learning self-soothing will take some time and practice. Try to make a commitment to stick with it until you start to experience the benefits, which you might notice in your heart, mind, and/or body. The goal of self-soothing is to do something that helps you slow down and reconnect with yourself in the present moment. 

Self-soothing can take on whatever form is most effective for you. Sometimes this might mean paying attention to the sensation of your breath and other times it might mean reading a passage from an inspirational book. We suggest you explore options for self-soothing within the categories of your five senses: hearing, sight, smell, taste, touch. Here are a few ideas to get you started. 

Hearing

• Listen to music you enjoy

• Go outside and notice as many nature sounds as you can (birds chirping, wind gusting, animals rustling)

• Have a conversation with someone and focus on their words and sound of their voice

• Listen to your kids playing or a baby babbling

Sight

• Walk along the lake or on a trail and notice everything in the environment

• Wake up early to see a sunset or look outside during sunset

• Buy flowers and put them in a vase on your desk or table 

• Light a candle and watch the flickering flame

• Look at photographs 

Smell

• Notice the smells of food being cooked at home or in a restaurant

• Get a cup of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate and take in the aroma

• Diffuse essential oils 

• Bake something and notice the scent as you open the oven

Taste

• Treat yourself to one of your favorite foods and savor each bite

• Chew a piece of gum or suck on a mint

• Have a small piece of chocolate

• Drink something cool or hot, noticing the temperature on your tongue

Touch

• Take a warm bath

• Wrap up in a cozy blanket

• Pet your dog, cat, or other furry friend

• Float or swim in a pool, noticing the feeling of the water around you

As you practice self-soothing, try to bring an awareness to any changes you notice in your body, any decrease or increase of emotions, and any shifts in how you are thinking about yourself or the situation at hand. This practice can be a powerful way to ground yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed out, and investing time in self-soothing is a great way to take care of yourself with gentleness and compassion.  

References

“A Therapist’s Journey: Learning the Art of Self-Soothing.” Retrieved from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/June-2018/A-Therapist-s-Journey-Learning-the-Art-of-Self-So

“Self-Soothe.” Retrieved from https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/self-sooth.html

The Art of Listening

Take a moment to answer this question: during conversations, do you enjoy being the speaker or the listener? For some of us, sharing stories and leading conversation feels natural and easy. For others, listening and observing is more comfortable. There’s also a chance you equally enjoy both roles and find yourself toggling between the two. Regardless of your preference, being a good listener will help strengthen and improve your relationships, conversations, and connections with others. 

If you realize you’re not the best listener, there’s hope! Listening is a skill that can be practiced and strengthened over time. The first step to improving your listening skills is to approach conversations with your full presence. Multi-tasking is typically not effective, so if a conversation needs your attention, try to set aside your to-do list, worries, or other tasks you’re doing. Quality listening requires you to tune into the person in front of you. 

Consider your typical mode during conversations. Do you listen to respond or listen to understand? If you’re listening to respond, you likely start to formulate your next statement in your head instead of truly hearing the words being spoken by the other person. While listening to respond, you may actually miss much of the content being shared. The goal, then, is to work on listening to understand. In this type of listening, let curiosity, empathy, and compassion lead the way. Listening to understand allows us to really hear the story being told, and shows the other person we care. This listening mode strengthens interpersonal relationships. 

There are a few things you can do while you practice deep listening. First, make sure you’re comfortable and offer the other person good eye contact. Next, show you’re engaged by validating the other person. This could include nodding along as they speak, summarizing their words to show you understand, or verbalizing the validity in their experience by saying, “That must be so disappointing,” “I can tell you’re excited about this!” “It makes sense you’re feeling upset,” or “Anybody juggling that many things would probably be in a similar spot.” By validating the other person, you show that their thoughts, feelings, and actions make sense. Finally, avoid making judgments of what the person has shared, or giving unsolicited advice. In many cases, what people need most is to be fully heard, not told what to do.   

As you continue through your day and week, bring some mindfulness and intentionality to your conversations. Try to catch yourself if you fall into habits like listening to respond, dominating the conversation, or jumping straight to problem solving when another person describes a challenge they face. With practice, it will become more natural to offer deep listening, the kind of listening that strengthens relationships and increases connection.

References

Raab, D. (2017). “Deep Listening in Personal Relationships.” Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201708/deep-listening-in-personal-relationships.