Take a moment to answer this question: during conversations, do you enjoy being the speaker or the listener? For some of us, sharing stories and leading conversation feels natural and easy. For others, listening and observing is more comfortable. There’s also a chance you equally enjoy both roles and find yourself toggling between the two. Regardless of your preference, being a good listener will help strengthen and improve your relationships, conversations, and connections with others.
If you realize you’re not the best listener, there’s hope! Listening is a skill that can be practiced and strengthened over time. The first step to improving your listening skills is to approach conversations with your full presence. Multi-tasking is typically not effective, so if a conversation needs your attention, try to set aside your to-do list, worries, or other tasks you’re doing. Quality listening requires you to tune into the person in front of you.
Consider your typical mode during conversations. Do you listen to respond or listen to understand? If you’re listening to respond, you likely start to formulate your next statement in your head instead of truly hearing the words being spoken by the other person. While listening to respond, you may actually miss much of the content being shared. The goal, then, is to work on listening to understand. In this type of listening, let curiosity, empathy, and compassion lead the way. Listening to understand allows us to really hear the story being told, and shows the other person we care. This listening mode strengthens interpersonal relationships.
There are a few things you can do while you practice deep listening. First, make sure you’re comfortable and offer the other person good eye contact. Next, show you’re engaged by validating the other person. This could include nodding along as they speak, summarizing their words to show you understand, or verbalizing the validity in their experience by saying, “That must be so disappointing,” “I can tell you’re excited about this!” “It makes sense you’re feeling upset,” or “Anybody juggling that many things would probably be in a similar spot.” By validating the other person, you show that their thoughts, feelings, and actions make sense. Finally, avoid making judgments of what the person has shared, or giving unsolicited advice. In many cases, what people need most is to be fully heard, not told what to do.
As you continue through your day and week, bring some mindfulness and intentionality to your conversations. Try to catch yourself if you fall into habits like listening to respond, dominating the conversation, or jumping straight to problem solving when another person describes a challenge they face. With practice, it will become more natural to offer deep listening, the kind of listening that strengthens relationships and increases connection.
References
Raab, D. (2017). “Deep Listening in Personal Relationships.” Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201708/deep-listening-in-personal-relationships.