February is the earliest start of Spring energy and we begin to feel more restless for connection. This month, we have invited Madeleine Doelker-Berlin, owner of Wildflower Counseling, to write about cultivating friendships in adulthood.
The Beauty of Bumbling Around Together
As we get older, building meaningful connections often feels like an uphill battle. We’re BUSY—juggling jobs, possibly kids and their endless activities, pets, an ever-growing to-do list, and our own attempts at self-care. Friendships, unfortunately, get whatever time is left over—which isn’t much. Socializing becomes something we schedule weeks in advance, trying to make it worthwhile. It’s more controlled, more efficient, and more “perfect” than it used to be when we were younger.
Perfection and efficiency are what we’re taught to value. As we move through adulthood, we get better at it—not just in work, but in how we socialize. We learn to connect without revealing too much, to smooth out our quirks, and to keep the messier parts of ourselves neatly tucked away. We become experts at avoiding awkwardness, discomfort, and conflict. The result? More predictable interactions and minimal risk—but often, fewer deep, safe, and truly comforting friendships. Here’s the irony: the very strategies we use to avoid discomfort are the same things that prevent the connection we crave. Deep connections thrive in unpredictable, vulnerable, and messy social moments—the kinds of interactions we’ve learned to avoid. The better we get at the social game, the worse we get at creating true connections.
So, what can we do about this? Should we just dive headfirst into full vulnerability mode? Maybe… but that can be overwhelming, and it only works if the other person is on board. What if we started smaller? What if socializing wasn’t about efficiency (structured plans, dinner dates, drinks) or perfection (a spotless home, looking put-together, orchestrating the perfect hangout)? What if it was more about simply existing together? No agenda, no pressure—just showing up, sharing space, and letting real life unfold. Depth comes from experiencing life together and allowing others into the unpolished moments of our days.
I call this “bumbling around.” I know the word "bumbling" can sound negative to some of you, but it makes me think of bumblebees—endearing, intuitive, spontaneous, and fully in the moment in how they move through the world.
To understand this, let’s take a step back and look at how humans used to live. For most of history, we lived in close-knit communities. Humans are herd animals—we thrive in packs. We didn’t need to schedule time together because we were already deeply woven into each other’s daily lives. Indigenous cultures, agricultural societies, and early industrial communities all relied on one another for survival. Life wasn’t lived in isolation—it was shared, messy, and full of organic interactions. People lived close to each other, often in multi-generational households. They worked together, shared meals, ran errands side by side, and experienced life’s ups and downs as a community.
Fast forward to today: most of us live alone or with our immediate families. Terms like "coworkers" and "professionalism" create boundaries between us and the people we spend the most time with. Families may be distant, either geographically or emotionally. While there are good reasons for this shift toward individualism, it comes with a downside—a lack of deep, trusting connections. Though not without its challenges, the communal way of life kept us more closely connected.
This is where bumbling comes in. Bumbling happens when we stop treating time with friends as a means to an end. It’s saying yes to running errands side by side, inviting a friend over while you fold laundry or cook dinner. It’s going on a walk with no clear destination, lingering after a meal instead of rushing home, or sitting in comfortable silence without needing to entertain. It’s opening your door for Sunday lunch with no set agenda, leaving space for whatever might unfold. Bumbling means spontaneous hangouts, being open to changes of plans, or simply having no plan at all.
You’ve probably done this before! Think back to when you were younger. What did hangouts with friends look like?Did you wander around, discovering the world and getting into spontaneous mischief and adventure? Maybe you ended up by the lake, throwing random things into the water, or aimlessly driving around town, talking about life and blasting music. Maybe you had roommates and let the day unfold, seeing where life would take you. Why don’t we do that anymore as adults? Why don’t we “bumble” together anymore—letting life take us where it wants?
The beauty of bumbling goes beyond just having fun—it actually works wonders for our mental health. Spending time with friends in a spontaneous, unstructured way can lower stress and reduce cortisol levels. Plus, just being with someone without needing to impress them or stick to a plan allows us to bond more meaningfully. We show up as our true selves—quirks and all—and that builds trust and emotional closeness. It sparks creativity and fresh ideas. Those moments without agendas also remind us of our need for connection, which gives us a sense of support and belonging.All of this helps us feel more resilient when life throws us challenges.
So maybe it’s time we embrace the messy, spontaneous magic of bumbling with our friends again. Because when we let go of perfection and simply exist together, we find something far more valuable: real connection—the undeniable bond that happens when we have shared adventures.
Madeleine Doelker Berlin (LPC, IT)
Wildflower Counseling MKE
IG